Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines