Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
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My dad teaching me to drive
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
These aliens are taking forever.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars