Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.