Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
i hate you platonically
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
❤️🦆
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.