“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…