My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
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[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?