Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
You Might Also Like
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Just a bush.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?