Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
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sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me