SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Kids: Stay in school.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
buying dead houseplants to save time
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Finally!
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.