Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
This bar smells like my childhood.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*