Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Hmmmmm
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.