@DickScurvy: Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands.
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@Storminika: A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, 'Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car'
@rachelle_mandik: CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb MOM: no it's goodnight moon, honey ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
@bobvulfov: [as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis
@CallMeMrBigs: I'm not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I'm looking for the one that finds it boring.