@DickScurvy: Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands.
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@ericsshadow: [flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]
@ElleOhHell: I'm sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You're gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn't crash.
@rzarosco: If I ever murder anyone I'm going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it