Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.