Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh