Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
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Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Born to be mild.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
President The Rock Obama
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.