1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I ate everything, including the H.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
#dalle2
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Why font matters.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.