Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
This is always good for a laugh.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless