Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
And bowling should be called pinball
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME