@fillthevacuum: Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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@sixfootcandy: You'd think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
@tchrquotes: Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away. *I see my coworker is nervous* Me: Relax, how bad can it be. Salmon: Shut. Up.
@kelkulus: A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
@jake_lach: I don't punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people