@fillthevacuum: Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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@NikiWithIssues: There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
@Epygma: [Dads birthday] "Make a wish Dad" *Dad blows out candles *Looks around *Looks @ wife Where did our son go? -What son? *Dad cries with joy
@Midgetspar: If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I'd only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.