Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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Not now. I’m deglazing.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them