Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
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If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
what the
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent