Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?