Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
can’t talk my ride’s here
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
bugs when you lift up a rock
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care