@mikeleffingwell: Sorry, "hella" was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I'll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
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@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Kidnapper." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "I'm a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop."
@preritpathak: Therapist: Problem? Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics. T: Explain? M: I can't tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
@juliussharpe: Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
@KeetPotato: [petting friend's new guidedog] so how did you get here? "he brought me" wow [later in bed w/ wife] did you know dave's dog can drive a car?