@mikeleffingwell: Sorry, "hella" was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I'll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
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@SeinfeldToday: George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both."
@mutedclamor: I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. :(
@Underchilde: Dear Abby, I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?
@VeganZebra: *drinking my first beer with my dad* "I can't believe you made me eat the other ones"