Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
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I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire