@atanya1111: "Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl" - me with the screeching baby in the grocery store.
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@oigoabuya: My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up. So I packed my bags and right left away !
@PMTheron1: How much for the best friend? Manager : Sir, we've been through this, our cashiers aren't for sale.
@DanMentos: Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
@panmidwest: SISTER: i'm engaged! ME: awwwwwwwwewwww SISTER: did you sneak an 'ew' in there ME: …no