@atanya1111: "Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl" - me with the screeching baby in the grocery store.
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@lisaxy424: I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
@shkeeber: 1. Dial random number. 2. Wait for answering machine. 3. Say "My wife is out of town, I miss you". 4. Hang up. 5. Happy Valentine's Day.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *gets all four daughters dressed* Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses. Me: But- Wife: Everyone. Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
@Roxtalled: Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You're happy until shit explodes in your face.