I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
You Might Also Like
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Best spot.. 😅
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops