me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts