Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
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Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.