@TheNardvark: Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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@1_swarthy_dude: [1st date] Me: "So, what do you do?" Her: "I'm a Herpetologist." Me: "Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?"
@lovemydogduck: Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
@Lmao: 5 kinds of fear: - panic - terror - 15 missed calls from mom - "wrong password" - "we need to talk"