Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
happy friday
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*