Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Sounds like a bargain
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?