*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
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Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.