Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.