@KizerBillhelm: Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn't have wrapped it like a burrito.
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@MAngelo505: What I said : Just a trim, please. What hairdresser must've heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
@SadMeterologist: Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
@Shira: Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have...
@thenatewolf: God: why don't we text anymore? Me: you know why God: I can't just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That's not how it works Me: k