@KizerBillhelm: Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn't have wrapped it like a burrito.
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@RobDenBleyker: Life advice: If someone ever tells you "I'll be there in thirty minutes", you should ALWAYS respond with "You've got twenty" and hang up.
@david8hughes: [at the drs] Dr: are you sexually active? Me: yeah Dr: with real people Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
@Parentpains: When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.
@68Cly29: The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.