Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I want this so bad
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.