@KizerBillhelm: Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn't have wrapped it like a burrito.
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@ProdigyNelson: "WHAT DO WE WANT?" "A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN'T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN" "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?" ... "shit"
@meaculpau27: In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I'm fine now.
@AimeeHelene1: *thumb wrapped in giant bandage* CW: Oh my God, what happened? Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
@AnkCoupleTO: *skydiving* Jumper: Where's your parachute? Married Guy: Don't need one J: There's no chance of survival MG: Not trying to beat the odds