Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
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Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.