@weinerdog4life: Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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@GabbbarSingh: People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me* Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt? Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
@DamienFahey: When a band has Z's where S's should be in their name, I'm like, "Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren't playing by society's rules."