@weinerdog4life: Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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@TheCatWhisprer: If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can't hear.
@DaddyJew: Oh, your kid gets straight A's at school? That's cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
@GreenishDuck: This is just a quick reminder that we're all gonna die one day so don't get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Hit the light. *flicks switch (wrong light) *flicks another (fan) *flicks (disposer) *flicks (nothing) *flicks (some light in Canada)