Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
choose your fighter
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
If looks could kill
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”