who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”