Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
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learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*