Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!