sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold