Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
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I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
They did not miss in the small print
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain