I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me