Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I have obtained a hat
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house