@cbdoubleu: Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.
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@noogscorner: Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend. Step 2) Text "Medusa's excited to meet you." Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
@gojarbe: [on a date] me: what's your favorite book series about a big red dog? her: uhh Clifford, i guess me: wow we have a lot in common
@imdaintyaf: [Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary] Narrator: ...the mink, a close relative of the weasel Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
@NYC_Blonde: I enjoy April Fool's Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with "no wonder you've been looking chubby".