Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
don’t we all
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
You are not alone 💚
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good