Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
new record!
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Strangers have the best candy.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.