Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
So true for me
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now