@NJFreudian: Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn't think you'd remember.
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@sip_at_home_mom: My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, 'cause his fist hurt. And he'll hear about it every Mother's Day until I die.
@ibid78: CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with? ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is
@RandiLawson: Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
@ABurgerADay: [Casting Meeting] Director: Did we get Cruise? Producer: Tom said he'll do it if we get Willis. Me: So we're Cruise in for a Bruce in?