Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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My brain is a bad influence on me
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Current mood: Potato
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.