Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”