Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.