Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
But wait…
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.