Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
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First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[watching paint dry]
âHaha! Itâs just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he isâ
Me: Iâm in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Donât cook with kids if you donât know how to season them.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so youâre entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
imagining an 18 year old X Ă A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling heâll be going back to kindergarten.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
ă € A R G H
Pirate [âȘïž] [âȘïž] [â«ïž] [â«ïž]
Pain [âȘïž] [âȘïž] [âȘïž] [âȘïž]
Surprise [âȘïž] [â«ïž] [â«ïž] [âȘïž]
Silver [âȘïž] [â«ïž] [âȘïž] [â«ïž]
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge đ
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as âThis sucksâ and âStop itâ and âWhy are you doing this to us, Mom?â
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
NOAHâS NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: itâs an ark
NOAHâS NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well itâs an ark
NOAHâS NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAHâS NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didnât sound challenging enough.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didnât raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
âTHE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!â
~me, parenting teens
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
A friend wanted to know what itâs like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that Iâm thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.