@SortaBad: Sorry I can't come to your thing tonight, I'm too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can't come to your thing next week
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@catcerveny: As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son's love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
@Ignorant_Indian: People out there are trying to contact the dead and you're telling me you can't text back?
@LizHackett: THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you. ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.